Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
