there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Can I color on your dick again?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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