just tell him i said nine months
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
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Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
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I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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