I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
