I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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