Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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