omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
