if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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