Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
