I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
