My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Is it penis luge time yet?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
