i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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