apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
