Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
