ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
