she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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