ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
