Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
