If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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