My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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