Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
