she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
