Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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