i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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