if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
