I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
