think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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