i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
