you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
im six kinds of drunk right now
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
