you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
