im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
