I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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