and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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