The maid of honor just puked.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
