I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
why is half of my head shaved?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
