In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just had sex on a roof
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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