i need an iv and a liver transplant
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
