i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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