So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
