I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
