All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
