You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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