My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
