My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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