The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
