from now on my penis is your penis
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Your dad touched me again.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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