you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
