the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
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mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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