doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
