I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
