I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
