I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
