meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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