we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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