I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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