I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
