Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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