Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
