For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
