Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
