It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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